Here's what I know. My pelvis is rotating forward on one side and up on the other. My spine is in scoliosis. My sciatic nerve is transmitting pain throughout my right leg. My muscles along that pathway are in painful spasm. To some degree, body workers can help me to realign my bones and release my muscles. I find some temporary relief for a while and then my body starts hauling itself back into distortion again. With that comes the pain and discomfort. It's dreary. It's draining. It's frustrating. It makes me want to give up.

Internal battle

Internal battle

The physical manifestation of this crisis is obvious enough in my body but what I'm most curious about (when I'm not thinking about the pain) is what sort of battle is going on within me. Physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

During a recent treatment (Shiatsu) I felt overwhelming sadness and fierce anger fighting with each other to escape my body. But I allowed no clear route for this energy to leave. Instead I met it with restriction and resistance.

On Thursday at Bristol Lido where I went to treat myself and my body to the pleasure of cold water and hot sauna I sat with a good friend and told him that I felt weak and needed to get strong. He replied with this: 'How about you're injured and you need to get well.'

I'm beginning to see the battle.

Ben Parkes4 Comments